Anal Rules

By following these simple and pretty commonsense rules, all of your anal adventures will be healthy and happy.

1. Any toy that goes into your bum must have a flared base. Humans are essentially weird doughnuts and our rectums lead to our intestines and eventually all the way out of our mouths. It is possible to “lose” something up your bum, especially if you’re using a toy that isn’t meant for anal play, though be warned that there are some toys out there that say ‘butt’ or ‘anal’ on them and they shouldn’t go anywhere near your tush. A flared base, like these ones is ideal.

2. Anything that goes into your bum must be squishable, bendable and not too long. Consider the human penis. Even erect, you can squeeze it and bend it a bit and isn’t usually over six or seven inches. It follows the rules, hurrah! And so should anything else that goes in there. Butt plugs are rarely longer than five inches, but if they are, you have to make sure that they are extremely bendable and will follow the natural curves of your colon. There are glass and metal anal toys out there, but some of the ones I’ve seen have been much too long and would hurt. I personally cringe at the idea of something that hard being put into my ass. But if you’re determined to use them, take it slow, check with yourself to make sure you feel okay, and do your research.

3. Lube. So much lube you’re practically on a Slip ‘n’ Slide. Anuses don’t self-lubricate like vaginas and mouths do, so you need to do it for it. It’s best to put lube on fingers and toys and then insert, rather than trying to insert the lube into the anus, though there are ways to do that with cool new syringes pre-filled with lube made by Jo. Feel free to apply and reapply lube throughout the process.

4. The Tortoise would be a great anal sex partner, because slow and steady wins the race. Anal play is best when there’s lot of time to slowly relax muscles and increase width. Rushed bums can get tense and painful. So tell the Hare to bugger off.

5. Communication is absolutely key in any kind of anal play, including with yourself. We humans can get really, really focused on goals, and if we have in our mind that tonight is the night a penis goes into our ass, or that specific toy we want in our butt, we can forget about watching for tension or pain, and just grit our way through it. Doing this is counterproductive and will make us tense up time and time again, never getting easier and in fact may lead to the whole process becoming more difficult. Our sphincters have no goals at all besides having fun. And that’s the goal we need to keep in our minds. This goal of pleasure, combined with open communication between partners will help train our bums to relax when touched and “know” that if something hurts, that pain will be respected.

Connected to this is that the person being penetrated is in absolute control. They say “slow down” it slows down. Same goes for “stop for a minute”, “I need more lube” or “god yes, fuck me faster!” Even if your sexy play-time involves pretending the fuckee doesn’t have control, always have a safe-word or gesture that would stop everything. Real damage can happen to forced and tense rectal tissue, and no one wants that to happen.

6. Increase the width of toys or anything else going into your ass as slowly as your bum wants to. It’s best to start with smaller toys, enjoy them for a while, come like crazy with them, and then move on to something bigger if you so wish.

During each anal play session you should start small and move up – one finger, then two, and on and on. The more comfortable you become, the less time this will take, though it’s always an important process.

7. Speaking of hands in bums, always keep your nails short and smooth, jewelry off including wedding rings, and gloves are best of all. That way when you’re done, you can just take the glove off and continue with the love-action and not have to get up and wash your hands.

8. Nothing, I mean, NOTHING goes from anal to vaginal. Vagina to anus is a-okay, but never the other way around, unless condoms are involved. You can penetrate anally with a condom, pull out, take off the condom and replace it with another one and go to town vaginally. The bacteria found in the anus, when put into the vagina can cause some pretty nasty infections, so always follow this rule, no matter what you’ve seen in some random porno.

9. Just like Francis Bacon and School House Rock told us, knowledge is power, so keep reading and researching about the butt! There’s books specifically made for men and women on anal sex and they’re all worth their weight in gold. Experiential knowledge is also great, and anal toys were designed to be safe and pleasurable. So go out there and learn about your ass.


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