As I’ve described here before, being “pre-orgasmic” is the more optimistic term for never having had an orgasm… yet. It used to be described as “an-orgasmic” and I’m not quite sure why we need to have a medicalized term for not yet having an orgasm at all. Throw a Greek prefix on something and now it’s a disease? Jeez.

I thought for years that what was happening to me were orgasms. I thought I was the chick who could orgasm like, five times during sex. I was totally wrong though. Sorry boyfriends – it wasn’t that I was faking, it was that I was completely ignorant. Sexual arousal increases and decreases during sexy-times, and plateaus are especially common for women. Orgasm is mainly defined as a series involuntary muscle contractions in the pelvic area that are perceived as pleasureable. You know how when you’re going to sneeze and it’s building up, and building up, and there’s this moment you know you’re going to sneeze and then something takes over and you sneeze no matter what? That’s sorta like orgasm, except without the chance that it’s happening because you have a cold. And if that’s the way it worked, I’d be hanging around sniffly people in walk-in clinics.

Back to my first experiences. It was after my first vibrator, a few boyfriends and the buying of a second, better vibrator that I first came when I was twenty-three. It was a small, powerful bullet vibe that was extremely intense and it took me a few weeks with it to learn how to make me orgasm with it. Learn. Yep. Most people believe that orgasm just comes naturally and it should just “happen”. I’m not quite sure why orgasm would be exempt from other things humans do like walking and talking, which are both filled with mistakes and learning galore. I guess it goes with that stupid myth that sex and orgasm should just come naturally, and if it doesn’t THERE IS SOMETHING DEEPLY WRONG WITH YOU. Boo to that!

Once I figured out what the hell to do, there was no fucking stopping me. Or was it no stopping me fucking? Either way, I had learned how to breathe, what muscles to clench, and where exactly to go. There’s a chance that what I learned may help you, but there’s also a chance it won’t. Like I’ve babbled about a thousand times here on this site, just because one person likes something, doesn’t mean someone else will automatically like it either. But here is what I do to make myself come.

Lots of women hold their breath, literally and figuratively, waiting for that orgasm to “happen”. First off, we MAKE orgasms happen – they don’t happen TO us. Make sure you’re breathing, but don’t hyperventilate either. That’ll just make you dizzy and not particularly sexy-feeling.

Men and women have a greater chance or orgasming with their legs closer together. I spent years with my legs widely spread, thinking that was the way to orgasm. Not so. I, in fact, have to have my legs clamped quite tightly together to come. I would think it’s because it’s easier to have more muscles engaged and clenched when they’re closer together, and it’s this muscle tension that leads to my orgasms. I end up legs straight out, clamped together, toes all pointy. Once the orgasm begins my legs spread a bit, but I seem to need that amount of tension to do it, and I think this is something a lot of women have never tried. If you are having problems orgasming, give it a go – no harm in trying – unless you get a leg cramp and if you do, my apologies! I’ve had that happen a few times, and let me tell you, they were worth it.

I also like more than just my clitoris being stimulated – I can orgasm with just clitoral stuff, but there’s a greater chance of me doing so with maybe a dildo (I slide it in and clamp my legs around it – no need for that in-out slam fest you see in porno), or a butt plug, or some nipple clamps. Plus, those orgasms are more intense for me, what with all the extra sensations. Sometimes all it takes is my partner to start playing with my breasts while I use a vibe to send me over the top into Orgasm-Land. I love visiting there. So if you’re not having any of these along with clit stimulation, try throwing some in and it might help.

I’d like to address the idea of orgasm and penetration. I’ve seen a lot of numbers thrown around about the percentage of women who orgasm from penetration alone, and from what I can tell it’s a ridiculously low number. The largest number I believe I’ve seen is ten percent. The lowest is three percent. Either way, that’s not very many. One of the most common questions I get asked at the workshops I do is, “what’s wrong with me that I can’t orgasm when my boyfriend is penetrating me” and my answer is – not a damn thing. Vaginas have very, very few nerves past the first inch or so and with good reason. Can you imagine if your vagina was as sensitive as your clit, while giving birth? Ouch. Mother Nature is not so cruel. The clit, the most sensitive part, is well away from any possible roles your vag may have in your life that involve humans coming out of you. And if I was planning on having kids, I’d be extremely grateful.

What this means is for most women there MUST be clitoral action for a chance for her to orgasm during penetration. I’ve never come this way, what with my leg clamping, and I really don’t feel I’m less of a women, or rockin’ sex-pervert, for not having done it. Sure, I like exploring how good things feel, how I can learn about muscles and breathing, but I’m not going to stop doing what I do just because it’s not the way most people think a woman comes. If I learn how to, super, but I’m not going to obsess about it.

There are tons of books out there about orgasm, and I’d suggest you check some of them out here.

One last thing, and something I throw into a lot of articles here, because it’s so damn important: focusing on the goal of orgasm, rather than the pleasure you feel is a sure-fire way to not come. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to say to myself to stop being impatient for arriving in Orgasm-Land, and to just enjoy the journey there. And whenever I start thinking that way instead, the trip is always a smoother one.



  1. Steve said

    Wonderful post, Tracey; I look forward to exploring your entire site. As a guy, I really appreciate candid female perspectives from ‘real voice pioneers’ including Sarah at All About My Vagina and yourself. It’s surely helpful for women in transcending the convoluted aspects of their sex, but also invaluable for men, who need to understand our similarities and differences. My GF and I do our best to describe everything we can manage to verbalize, but it’s subjective. My task is much easier than hers since the penis and male orgasm are not nearly as complex. Your info is a perfect supplement for both of us and I thank you.

  2. sextoys101 said

    Hi Steve,

    Glad you liked it. Sarah is a friend of mine, and I agree, candid, real-world voices are always important. As for women’s orgasms/genitals being more complex, I think it has more to do with the fact that society isn’t that keen on women having a sexuality, so it doesn’t get talked about as much, and this gives it the air of “more complex”. We’ve got more nerve endings, so you’d think orgasm would be much more straight-forward, biologically speaking, for us than for men. Keep up the great dialogue with your partner, and enjoy the rest of the posts!

    – Tracey

RSS feed for comments on this post · TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: